Taking It As It Is.

There was always a reason on why I threaded carefully through certain things in life. This was one of them.

I've done this before and I've done it again. And now I'm left with a playlist of songs that can soothe the ache within. These days, I couldn't even stand the sound of my own thoughts. This tragedy(I'd like to think of it as one) has plagued my emotions and left me feeling hollow.

Thank you for all that I'm feeling by the way, for through this bitter experience I know I am alive.

~xoxo,moumou~

All sigh-ed out.

You know, you could say so much about someone without realizing how ugly it makes you feel. Gossip. It's fun when you do it in the comfort of your close friends or family. It's fun when you barely know the person and just feel like channeling all your frustrations onto someone. And it's especially fun when you don't like that individual.

I draw a fine line on gossiping based on factual/non-factual information and degrading someone just to feel better about your own short-comings. Yes, I am one to speak considering I make fun of people's horrible grammar but the FACT is that it is horrible and its genuinely mind-fucking.

I know I've said many things about many people and I know my words have probably reached their ears. Truly, I am sorry for being immature and less thoughtful about the outcomes of my actions.

BUT the things is, gossiping is done in the comfort of your CLOSE friends and family. The reason we do so is because we know that the collateral damage would be minimal and the chances of the said individual finding out is low.

When the trust is breached, how does one believe in you again? They don't. They'll never trust you, they'll never confide in you and they sure as hell won't include you in anything ever again. So before you decide to break someone's already fragile trust, you might want to consider where you stand in this whole thing.

These days, I have found that no matter how you try to talk sense into someone or help them find their way back to something, if they don't meet you halfway....there's no use in doing so. I apparently have wasted half my life covering a good for nothing's back and having her have my back wasn't the smartest choice either. I walked out of this relationship with a dozen cleavers stuck on my back. And yes, it hurts.

So the next time you wonder why I no longer am able to look at you in the eyes or if I turn away, it's probably because you have inflicted the highest multitude of pain anyone has ever inflicted unto me. I am a good friend but I am the worst enemy you could ever ask for. Good riddance.

Perspective.

I'd like to think that turning 21 has opened my eyes to see things in a different light. I'd like to assume that aging one year could dramatically help me realize the bigger picture in life. Well, I'm not there yet but I'm almost half-way there.

I'd also like to think that people reading this are wondering why did I delete 212 blog posts(and not even backing up any of it). Well, for those who are honestly curious and wish to keep up with my life; I deleted it for I couldn't bear having a constant reminder of how petty and shallow-minded I was. Was. I wonder if I should say was or am. Potato Tomato.

All I could think about right now is to pull my grades up. And hopefully I'd be able to hit the 3.8 cgpa. When will I be the girl who makes it into the dean's list? I need to show for something while I still can. I want to be successful in life and not cruise through life depending on my parents or on anyone. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet without crutches but most importantly...I want to give back to my parents what they have given to me.

I couldn't give them life, but I can give them a good life. It would only be a fraction of what they have given me but it's better than nothing.

I'd like to be there for my friends more. Lately, I couldn't balance my studies and my friends but hopefully by next semester I could balance it out. I love my family, I love my friends and I need to succeed. I'm always there for my family and I need to make more time for my friends. Most of my most memorable days were spent with them. *sigh* Memories~ All alone in the moonlight~

I'd also like to provide for my brothers one day. To give them the best in life and the tools to succeed.
I'd like to help the world one day, starting with the people closest to me.

If it's not obvious enough, I'm afraid to leave the world without leaving a mark.

Yes, I'm a little left to center but I believe that makes me who I am today.

Now to touch a topic which will be rarely mentioned (I promise you) in this renewed blog, is love. It took me this long to realize that my wrong choices in love has maimed my life and goals. So now, instead of having it control me, I will control it. The past people I've loved and lost, loved and was never loved back or loved and let go; has made me stronger. Smarter. Wiser. Careful. Especially careful.

When going down the road of loneliness and insecurity, I thought I didn't deserve a lot of things and settled for people below me. Never again. The next man I am ever going to give my heart to is going to work hard to fit into my life, he has to be at par with me or better. Even if he is better, he will never make me feel small. And I REFUSE TO SETTLE FOR ANYONE WHO EXPECTS ME TO MAKE MYSELF SMALLER JUST SO HE DOES NOT FEEL EMASCULATED. So what if I'm difficult? If a man ever tells me again that I am difficult, he's just probably had too many sluts before meeting a proper girl. RAWR!

So much demands out of life but I am a girl. I am allowed to be this way. If you have read up to this paragraph, thank you for sticking it out.

Till the next time, take care, make a difference, and be safe.

~xoxo,moumou~